TW: DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, ABUSE.

(This is over 9000 words. Good luck getting to the end!)

Everyone,

I learned on Friday, October 14th that I’ve been emotionally and psychologically abused by someone very close to me. It has been happening for many years. I need time to think about my future. I will be on an indefinite hiatus until I can find a way to come back. I may have to change many things to do that in my life and it may take a long time. I don't know.

ɪꜰ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴇʟꜱᴇ, ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ꜰᴏʟʟᴏᴡɪɴɢ ᴘᴀʀᴀɢʀᴀᴘʜ.

Everyone who reads this, please LOOK UP THE SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE. In some instances, it can be extremely covert and subtle and victims may not realize it is happening. You will find ways to excuse the abusive behavior or find logical ways to rationalize and trick yourself on what happened to you. They will make you doubt yourself, make you think you are unwell beyond what is true, that you are the problem and not them who is avoiding accountability. Please talk to someone. Anyone. No matter how long it takes you to do so, no matter how ashamed you feel, please don’t stop trying to talk to someone about what you are experiencing. If you are isolated with your abuse, it may end up destroying you. Fight for yourself.

I’m not going to release my next cover song that I had as a surprise because I don't feel comfortable sharing it anymore considering how it was made and what memories I have of recording the song. Just so you all know, it was Simple & Clean. I wanted to dedicate it to you all for how you make me feel.

I’m sorry I didn’t understand what was happening to me or how to talk about it in a way that is good enough to get better. I’m sorry I couldn’t find anything to help me more until now. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to reach out to you all for every moment that I wanted too. I'm sorry for any disappointment. I'm sorry you didn't see this coming.

I haven’t been able to learn many new things or be consistent at all since starting this. I haven’t been able to do most of what I wanted yet by this point. I’ve been crushed about my time here more times then I was happy. I was always torn up on how I was on all my platforms and felt disgusted with myself to keep going because it. To not be well or focused enough to make you feel a fantasy and to have fun and feel supported by me made me always feel terrible. Even so, I had to accept it because I was doing the best I could. I knew so much else was happening in my life that was making me feel like I was always just surviving almost every single day. How could anyone understand that when I wasn’t fully understanding what was going on myself?

How many of you can say that you started being a VTuber when you were at your lowest? Why would anyone take that on when they were earlier that year considering going to a mental institution? How much could you manage with doing this if you had psychological and physiological symptoms that were debilitating? I wanted to end my life multiple times this year, most recently in August. All this time has passed but I never felt truly safe, even to this day.

I have no regrets. I spent hundreds to do this and that was nothing compared to my other costs for my health that did not make me nearly as happy or fulfilled. The purpose was always to do this to find myself again and to do my best. Even if it was going to be a failure like everything else I tried. I was needing to feel what it would be like to be me with people that were new in my life. Nothing I did worked before being Aura.

I want you to know I was successful in that. Becoming a VTuber helped me find myself again. It reminded me how to be brave in a new way and how to think about my future again. It reminded me of how I truly felt about so many parts of my life. How I love creating, making people happy, and learning about what is different in this world.

It took me months, but now I have more hope than I’ve had in a long time. I didn’t get canceled. I didn’t get any hate. I didn’t graduate even though many were probably waiting for the day. I didn’t share about all my panic attacks or spirals with anxiety online to make everyone feel sad for me. I didn’t fight with anyone. I kept going because I believed someone would see what I saw in me.

You were always on my stream. Every single stream, at least one person was with me even though I was nobody. It was amazing to me every single time. I brought you something fun and good and it was from someone who felt miserable. You made me laugh. You made me smile. You made me feel joy. I haven’t felt so much happiness in such a long time.

I’m so proud of myself for being here to share this with you. I made it to this point after fighting for so much. I’m practicing forgiveness for the time I was unwell and for not being enough for myself for so long. I want to love myself enough to be free from letting anyone hurt me like this again. I’m not sure what it means in the end, but I’m going to find out.

Thank you to my followers. Thank you to everyone who I talked to one on one, everyone I played games with, everyone I watched movies with, everyone who made me laugh, everyone I reached out to and got a response back. You made my life feel so hopeful with every word of fun and support you gave me.

Now, for my words of appreciation for two people that deserve special recognition - MystearicaVT and RaidaZERO_EN

Tear and Raida,

I felt ready to move on from my failure arc for a few reasons, but mostly because of you both. I knew I would be able to do so when I felt ready. From all that has happened to me in my life, it feels like a red thread of fate led me to you so I could find and have the strength I needed to finally help myself from what I was enduring. For that, I’ll always hope for you to be happy and at peace with all that you love in your life forever more.

I’m not sure when I’ll be back. I’m not sure how I’ll come back. It will be like coming back to ground zero and starting from scratch when I do most likely. I'm not worried at all if that is true because I know it'll be so much easier when I'm healthy again. I'm not worried you all will forget me because I believe in myself to make you remember me again someday. The content creation world is all about constantly keeping up with making something happen and I know it'll be hard to start again when I'm ready...but that is ok. I'm not worried about any of that because I need to do something else right now for myself.

What I do know for sure is that I love this community and I love being a VTuber. I love seeing so many of you work so hard and have so much fun with what you love to enjoy. I love how much easier it allows people like me to connect to everyone all over the world and for us to keep improving ourselves in a way that helps us.

I will continue to support those I care about to the best of my ability. I will welcome any of you who want to talk or play on Discord with me if you want to reach out still. I'm not going to try and promise you anything because real life is so focused for me right now, but you never know what can happen if don't you try.

I had to take many attempts to finish this because it made me so sad, but leaving now is the right thing to do. I'm taking as much time as I need. It won't be forever but it has to be enough time for me to be safe once more in my life.

I have love for you all and want you to never give up on what you need for yourself no matter what happens or how long it might take.

Your ditzy-dreamer-fabulous-flowerchild nymph,

Aura Ostara

P.S. (FINAL A.D.D. FUELED THOUGHTS)

Thebelovedmoon - You have given me more than almost anyone. I know I struggled to fully appreciate you the way you deserved, but I hope you know you have been absolutely incredible and amazing for me since pretty much the beginning. Thank you for all the streams you were on. The first art you made of me. The support you always had for me. Thank you.

Alex Oswell - I want you to love yourself for me as much as you can. I never want you to give up no matter what happens to you. You are beautiful.

V-Buddies/JinOverCr - I always felt so happy and safe with you all no matter what we did together. I'm so thankful to have had as much fun as I did with you all. I hope you guys keep on doing what you do best and do it together without any troubles in the future. Keep up the hard work Jin. I believe in you.

V-Care/V-Supporters - You made it so much easier for me to keep going. I'm so grateful to those of you I was able to reach out to and share with. I hope you are cherished and respected for the entirety of your career for helping so many like me.

DreamingWitch/Anya - Thank you for helping me dream and hope. You deserve so much support and recognition for your incredible, stunning, and magical art! Please take care of yourself and be successful in all you do.

🎵 𝘕𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮𝘴 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘦

𝘒𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘵 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘒𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘵 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺, 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘦

𝘏𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘨𝘰

𝘊𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘊𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸 🎵